i realized i haven't posted much of an update in a while and i certainly didn't elaborate on a prior entry that i said i was going to. since it's much easier to copy and paste rather than summarize what i've realized lately i'll copy and paste an email i wrote to a friend shortly after i got hit with my awesome revelation:

"lately i've been having a very hard time with being an introvert. this atheist i met at work last week has been calling me socially awkward behind my back to girls at work (which in an of itself hurts). and youth was especially hard last night. i closed up. i felt like i was watching youth from a far away place, unable to move. it was awful and i hate to admit that. it makes me doubt my "vocational calling" a lot. and it makes me feel like i'm hardly qualified as a volunteer...let alone a youth minister.

just a little bit ago i was sitting on the couch bored with watching a movie and broke out a few books i have that i haven't read yet. there's one that's called perspectives which i knew was topical so i started there. i felt like i had a boulder sitting in my lap and i needed to at least read a little something which dealt with what i was feeling.

the chapter began discussing paul's thorn in his flesh. for a while now i've concidered my introverted nature my thorn in my flesh. but it wasn't until just now that i realized everything Paul spoke of surrdounding this part of the text. here's some of what i quoted from the book: "it is only in our weakness that the Lord may be truly glorified...as a result of my thorn, all the glory and honor for my speaking successes (the author has a stuttering probllem) go to the Lord."
originally i had thought mulitple times that maybe i heard God wrong in my calling. so many times i would grow angry that God wired me in such a way that i have a hard time thinking of things to say to people. but after reading this and grasping what it was Paul was saying i realized, i am called to the right thing. for me there's no better calling on my life. because of my difficulty speaking i have to rely on God 100% to fill my mouth. which means that because i have to trust that God will always fill my mouth [because i can't] He'll always come out of my mouth. for anyone who only knows me enough to see my "shyness" wouldnt' believe that i'm in youth ministry and ultimatly want to be a youth pastor/minister/director/ etc. but since God is strongest when i am weakest God will get ALL the glory in my ministry. because i have to trust Him 100% to enable me to perform this. because alone...i cannot...at all. i am called to youth ministry not only to minister and be an example of Jesus to the lives of teenagers but because this is the life that will glorify God ths most."

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that's all the update for now. i've got some projects to finish before youth starts tonight. then work, bible study, cleaning and packing tomorrow because i'm home on tuesday!