you know i have to say i am continually greatful for my friends. the sharing of hearts, whether its in pain, joy or passion, will always inspire me to take one more step forward, one more leap of faith, one more sprint towards the finish line.

lately it seems, there's been a handful of my close friends who are dealing with very difficult situations. and for the first time in my life i've taken a step back and tried not to fix the problem. but don't get me wrong in no way does it mean that i don't care. oh contrare, my heart breaks deeply for them and i wish with all i had that i could fix the situations. i can't. BUT God can. for the first time i've stepped aside, looked to the Lord and said, "i'm trusting You. i trust that You will look after them. You've got an incredible plan already in motion and You've got the strength to give them." what i love about it is that it's given me fresh perspective on their situations. i can jump for joy with anticipation as i see how God will work things out and how they will be molded by these trials. it also keeps me hopeful so i can be a more proper encouragement. and best of all it gives me more of an opportunity to do the best thing i can for them, pray.

***

[i'm trying to remember what my last post was to elaborate on it without looking at it...] i love watching how God weaves in and out [well not out but you get what i mean] of situations sitching them together so perfectly.
it started out on my visit home as i recalled...
which bounced around my brain like a pinball sunday morning and afternoon.
then started being clearer after hearing phil's pain and passion sunday night.
in a passage i read with tristian on monday.
it exploded in my heart when brainstorming with katie on tuesday.
blew my mind in small group tuesday evening while watching nooma: sunday.
and it trickled through my brain all week from a couple articles in my latest relevant magazine.

what is it? getting away from materialism. and that's just a small part of it. i guess in the BIG SCHEME OF THINGS it's getting a lot more serious about God.

have you ever felt like you were meant to do something so much more than you are? that what you're doing right now, for whatever reason, just isn't enough? whoa i am there. whether that's God or flesh talking right now, i don't know, but i do know there's something in my chest pulling me somewhere... i don't know where. something is dying to get out and rock the world for God but the what, where, when, how is so unclear.

i almost want to say, okay, i'm packing up my bags and i'm gone by friday. ha, but that won't be happening. well unless someone says, want to plant a church, we just need one more person and we want you, can you be packed by friday? and to that...i'll say SHYA!. i can be done by tonight. [unless its in the bible belt, then i may say...eh, i dunno. but that's another story, another entry...for another time]

you know, i used to be so spontaneous for God. i would get these wild and crazy ideas and be COMPLETELY fine with going through with them...but the majority of the time i was told i was illogical or that it wasn't safe because i was a girl.

for a while i wanted to get rid of everything and travel around the country "homeless" to meet people, speak at churches, and see what the kindgom was doing around the country and if they'd take me in in that situation.

i almost moved to italy. to create a YM curriculum for the entire country. [yes, an eye brow raised is called for]

living out of my car doesn't seem all that ridiculous. a little chilly, but not ridiculous.

because it's been a good while since i was that passionate it's hard to recall my "radical" nature. but i miss it. i feel it coming back though. praise God.

i'm sick of living like a stuffy Christian. i'm a DISCIPLE OF JESUS man! a DISCIPLE. i'm a silly, quirky, introverted, fearful, worrysome disciple of JESUS. the SON of GOD wants me to walk ALONG SIDE HIM! why the crap am i sitting here comfortable? "how can i stand here with YOU and not be moved by YOU?!"

My pockets are empty
Fear's such a thief
You know how that goes
I used to think
You couldn't love a mess like me
Then You came in so close
As my heart settles
You do the impossible
You change me,
You change me
Thank You,
JesusI can see You change me
Like a bullet in a wound
It needs to be removed
But only by You, only by You
And though I feel so stuck
The hope in Your eyes is enough
To change me,
You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me
Now that I see Your face
I'll never be the same
You change me,
You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me
--bethany dillon