i am broken.

what a day.

but instead of focusing on what's broken me down, especially today, i'm going to rejoice in what the Lord has done.

today i finally realized and admitted to when the Lord showed me my time on the outer banks was through. it was at the end of the summer. it was if He wrapped everything up in a nice little package and i had said to myself at the time, and i remember this vividly, "you know, if i was intending to go back to johnson right now, it wouldn't be as hard. everything is coming together nicely." but i remained. and thankfully we serve a God who honors our hearts because all i've wanted to do was not live in fear. and though it caused me to veer from where i was supposed to journey, the Lord has taken care of me every step of the way.

i'm also rejoicing because of a new person in my life. a few of them actually. as i think i've written before i have this new friend named tristan. for thanksgiving her family had me over because i was going to be alone. by the end of that night i felt like i was apart of the kent family. it was warm and inviting...and one of the best wii night's i've ever had. today i was planning on meeting up with tristan at her church to help her paint somethings. i arrived at the church before she had and she told me her mom was there and that i should go say hi. i wholeheartedly agreed. though thanksgiving was the only other time i've talked with tristan's mom, there was something about her that felt like i've known her a long time. i feel completely safe around her. so much so that i knew i could pour out my heart to her as i sat in her office. and i did. i've been utterly broken the past while and it was a moment i needed more than ever. she listened intently and gave me kind reminders when i finished.

i also praise God for my time at tristan's church. i don't know what it was (especially because i've been serving in a handful of churches since my arrival on obx) but as i was sitting with tristan painting... i overcome with a sense of fulfillment. i had started to doubt that serving would ever feel like that again. i knew, once more, that i was indeed called to ministry. that not only am i called to youth ministry, but i'm also called to those random little things people need help with and that i'm more than excited to dive into my own position someday. i've needed confirmation of my "vocational" calling so much. i thank God with tears in my eyes that He loves me so much that He'll grant me with it for the 1,254,282 time.

that's all i have the energy for right now...but definatly more to come.


I cannot believe I'm this dirty
I'm ashamed to even ask to be clean'
Cause I can't think of anyone less worthy
I have nothing to offer or to bring
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I'm not even sure how I got here
Wondered to this darkness from Your light
I still remember walking in the garden with You
Now I'm just stumbling through this night
I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait
I wait for Your rain to fall
The waves of Your grace wash over me
I wait for Your rain to fall
Strange how forgiveness comes so easily
When I call Your name
And wait for Your rain
Lord, this desert is killing me
My throat's dry from screaming Your name
I want to come home but the sands of time surround me
The dirt's finally covered my shame
So I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
--todd agnew

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