long story short i got a dog tuesday morning.
a two month old one...yep...a baby.
for months i had thought about getting a dog of my own. stupidly i thought it was going to fill this void in my heart. i didn't expect the realization that it wouldn't to hit me so hard. i've found myself acting very much out of character.
so much so that, in the morning before i leave for work i'm going to be calling the lady and asking her if i can please bring her over after i get off work. that's right, i can't keep her. quite frankly i don't want to. i am not ready to be a mother. she feels SO much like a baby that it freaks me out.

i had thought having a dog would give me something to do in my large amount of time i spend in the house. i didn't realize it would make me feel completely bound to my house. that alone makes me want to get rid of her as quickly as possible. i can't handle having to watch her every single second..making sure she's not biting something...making sure she's not peeing on the floor somewhere...

and when she's out of my sight for more than a few seconds, she whimpers...and will.not.stop until i get close to her. like tonight...the reason i'm still awake... i tried putting her in the bathroom hours before we went to bed so that she'd fall asleep and i wouldn't have to deal with her keeping me awake by sleeping in my bed. she whimpered for THREE HOURS... finally i couldn't stand it so i put her in my bed. and made the decision that in the morning i'm calling the lady.

i feel like uncle scrooge.
but i figure it's easier to ask for forgiveness from the lady than completley loose my marbles. i've been progressivly more unhappy as each day passes. i'm getting mean and bitter. this lil pup needs more love than i'm unable to give her. it seems so weird that i'm saying that. i love animals so much. sam's a perfect example, i love that dog to pieces. but eisley, i barely even like. and it's only been like four days.

i need a backbone. and some logic. BEFORE I MAKE THESE DECISIONS LIKE GETTING A DOG IN THE FIRST PLACE. but i wasn't programed that way. i was programed to be deeply emotional. a blessing and a curse. i love hard but when the rare times come that i cannot love...it's ugly. very ugly.

i wish i were tired.

something's not right here.