i have a feeling all these thoughts in my head are the result of being in my house...all...day...long. but at any rate i'm going to post. i don't think many really read anyways.

i feel like i'm trying to hard and yet i feel like i'm not trying hard enough.

my human nature tells me i'm not doing enough at all for God and that i'm this huge dissapointment.

i feel like i'm trying way too hard to make friends...i still end up with hardly any here. i don't get it. i feel like i need to try even harder but seriously, should it be this hard to make friends??? i feel like an intruder sometimes.

still waiting waiting waiting to have more involvement. aside from the upcoming bible study with obpc girls...there's nothing. what i want to know is, should it be this hard? it's an honest, genuine question from someone who just wants to be doing God's Will. am i being selfish here? i know one day at a time is the way to go...cause nothing good come from worrying about tomorrow... but i can't help it. i really can't. especially on days like today. i feel like i'm thinking in circles.

just need to post...i'm bumming myself out even more by writing all this...

"Fresh page, new pen
Where do I begin
Words fail, tears come
I need someone
To take the thoughts I almost think
And carry them to God for me

Deep breath, exhale
Breathe in deeper still
Long sigh, I'm still numb
Is there anyone
Who can find the things I'm barely feeling
And give them wings beyond my ceiling?

Right heart, wrong place
It's too far to outer space
Sorry, I forgot, You're right here
I cup my hands around Your ear
I feel you smile, You feel my breath
You listen while I whisper non-sense

Simple exchange
Your will, I'm changed
And now my prayer ends
Thank You, Amen " --chris rice