i've got a bit of time before church starts and not much clue what to do with it, so i figure a post could fill up this half hour.

i somehow manage to come back to the same place. it's not such a nice place. more and more recently i dive into this place of utter hopelessness. it's not completely like me because in the back of my mind- in most difficult [or not difficult] circumstances i'll always be clinging to this little bit of hope. i may have a nasty little habit of dwelling on the negative more than i'd like to admit, but it doesn't mean i'm without hope.

suddenly i'm letting my past [decisions] dictate what i think the rest of my life will play out like. it's ridiculous! in my pea-brained mind it all makes sense though. to me there have been about three major decisions i've had to make. two of which were a decision to move or not to move. in one decision i decided to stay where i was and not move. and the other was a decision to move. that may not of made sense to you... what i'm really trying to say here is that i feel like i royally messed up every decision i've had. what does this translate in my head? because of your stupidity you won't hear what God is saying to you and you'll just mess everything up as usual.

in the midst of all this hopelessness i find i've forgotten what it means to feel loved by God. i've forgotten what grace is and what it means for my life. i've forgotten that God created me for a purpose and He's got a plan for me and it's not over yet. i've forgotten that God knows the deepest desires of this heart and that He's so relentlessly in love with me.

ultimatly i need to rest in Him. i need His joy, i need His peace and i need to know i'm loved.

what a rollercoaster it is following Jesus.