i've become very add about my layout. i can't quite get something figured out that suits me.

currently i'm sitting at tristan's house having just used her printer to get forms i've needed for a while now contemplating life, new "opportunities" and trying to remember all we discussed during our second bible study meeting earlier this morning.

all the more do i realize that my introverted nature is the "thorn in my flesh". youth group brings it out of me full force. especially last night since it was just lisa robey and i. i was greatful that lisa was there since she's well versed in the art of discipline and i am not (though if you knew me at CTC you would have said other wise...). i clammed up completely. i've let me fear of not knowing how to relate to them hinder me in furthering relationships with them. i just don't know how. especially with the guys. it breaks my heart. i love them to death but yet i can't seem to find that place in which i fit.

i know that i was created introverted for a reason but satan's been able to completely feed off of it which makes it more of a burden than a blessing. do you ever feel like you're being stretched so far that at any given moment you think you're going to be torn completely apart? that's how i'm feeling right now. i'm almost blinded by it. and that's bad. thankfully i can have confidence that God will get me through this period but i pray that my eyes are opened far enough that i can see what's happening while i'm going through this stretch. there's never been a moment that i haven't felt growth since i moved here. i have this image in my head of me white knuckling the edge of my comfort zone, trying so desperatly to hold on and God's got his hands fully wrapped around my ankles pulling as hard as he can to get me out of it. when will i fully let go? when will i fully surrender?

if anyone actually reads this and you feel led to, please keep me in your prayers.