[disclaimer: if you haven't read The Shack yet then you might not want to keep reading. there's a good chance i'll refrence the book a lot in this entry.]

you know those times when you get light headed because there's just SO much mulling around in your brain you really can't make heads or tails of anything. that's where i find myself. honestly i've had mush for brains for who knows how long. my brain feels full and my heart feels full of longing. all with things i've said before. and i keep feeling like, if i just get it out once more it'll somehow disappear from inside me and i'll be able to think better. no such luck.

but that's God's job, in His timing, for His purpose, so why push?

it's been a struggle to focus on this day to day stuff. one of my biggest issues is having too much time on my hands. it's paralyzing. instead of watching tv or spending too much time online (wow i look like a hypocrite right now don't i?) i could easily spend my time reading or painting. but when i'm a good steward of my time, suddenly i feel more fulfilled and i doubt myself less.

yesterday was a good day to see that in action. when i told phil about my struggle handling my free time we decided we'd start keeping each other accountable [reading] by meeting up at southern bean in the morning to read for a few hours. and we did. i read the best i could but lost nearly all interest in the book i was reading. so i busted out my journal and wrote at least eight pages and random thoughts.

after he left to tackle his day, esther and i went out to lunch. it was probably the first she and i have hung out aside from watching lotr at her house. it was a fantastic time. we discussed life, God, struggles, etc. i enjoy her and i hope that as time progresses our friendship will grow. i need more girls at least a little bit close to my age to relate to.

after returning home i cracked open The Shack. i didn't stop reading until the evening. this is where i debate if i should type any further. there's so much on my mind because of this book now. all incredible things. the book totally flipped my world upside down. i rejoice in that. i always welcome a fresh and radical way to view God.

i have heard varying opinions about the book. i looks like one of those things you either LOVE or HATE. honestly you have to approach the book with an open mind. more than a few times i found myself with an eye brow raised, my mouth gaping or literally exlaiming, "what!?" and tossing the book momentarily down.

the God character, papa, was utterly mind-blowing. each discussion i'd have to scan the words over and over again in mild hope that i'd grasp what was being conveyed. but do you know what i loved most about the exchanged between "papa" and the main character, "mack"? it is that whenever God (or Jesus or Sarayu [the holy spirit]) would speak, in my head a question of confusion would arise and litearally the next question out of Mack's "mouth" would be that very question. there were so many times i felt like i was smack dab in the middle of those pages. with each turning of the page i could see my life in the life of Mack, my questions in Mack's questions and my deep dark pieces i don't let anyone see where laid bare on the table with Mack's.

i've only been finished with the book a few hours (yes, i finished it in only a few hours) but i'm ready to pick it back up again. but i'll wait till i can access my own copy.