honestly sometimes i forget i have this thing. i need to utilize it more. i think i have too much of a need for physically writing things out in my journal (because i like having a copy of what i'm thinking in my hands) that i don't take the time to type out everything. which, in reality, is a far better means of me getting what's bouncing around inside of me out because i can type a lot faster than i can write. plus, i can rearrange what i'm thinking into a more organized fashion which is ultimatly what i want i think... a more organized thought process...

anyways...

today while i was working ryan came in. as we were talking he goes, "so amber. now that you've got somewhere to live and a steady job, what's next?" it sort of baffled me. you know those questions where genearlly you always have the answer to but after being asked it a million times you realize you don't know what the real answer actually is? totally one of those questions. i guess up until this point i've had some sort of goal to strive for. i mean yeah i do have goals: st andrews being one of them but realizing that that's not a given. i'm not guaranteed that i'm going to even be brought on full time...

it kind of marries another thought i had today: why have i stopped looking for other youth positions in the area? am i putting all of my eggs in one basket? is it good or bad to put them in all one basket?

i also started thinking about this building amy wants to build for her youth. it would be sort of a retreat, hangout for the area youth in general but her youth group would definatly maximize the space... and they would bring in at least one hired person to maintain some office space along side her. evidently there's some duke endowment that would provide all the funding. the other night at the fca meeting i was standing with amy and greg as they were discussing it and they kept joking about "we'd need to find someone to hire... oh who would we hire...oh i'm not sure...who do you think" all the while nudging me in the ribs.

something else i feel is that i'm getting too lazy in my attempts at interacting with the teens. granted they're in school now and are busy but something tells me that's no real excuse. i haven't been helping out with phil's teens on sunday nights anymore... partly because i know i can't be a permanent volunteers so i'm afraid of them thinking i'm ditching them when i don't show...but again, excuse?!.. i dunno. i guess since there's not youth events right now i'm feeling sorta at a loss... also spending a substantial amount of time with phil and amy makes me wish i was a "paid" youth minister all the more hearing their stories all the time. don't get me wrong it's great and i learn a good deal it's just hard to shake ministry envy sometimes...

looks like we're going to keep the chain thought rolling... and another thing is that there are times if, for instance, i'm chilling with phil and amy here at the house...if they get into talking about their churches, youth groups, etc... i feel like a cat's got my tongue. suddenly i find that i have nothing to say. i just sit. do you know how much that drives me nuts!? to be in a completley comfortable situation and feeling like i've closed myself off? i hate it! loathe it. despise it. and i'm sure it's got to be annoying to them as well. i don't want people to feel like they have to "entertain me". gosh i hate nothing more. i don't know why it happens and i really wish it would stop. i hate feeling boring. i always worry it's going to affect my friendships. bah.

sometimes i just want to smack myself. oy.

i still feel like my thoughts are every where...but oh well.